I read Mandy’s blog the other day and it made me think. I know she reads mine and this is pretty much the only communication I have with her. I know it’s indirect but it’s something. It made me upset to see how angry she is that I talk to other people. I don’t feel I should justify anyone’s comments because they are comments made by other people, not me. I haven’t called Mandy because I still don’t know what I’m doing. I would call her but it would be pointless. We would just talk and get nowhere and we would both hurt more. The question is what if I did do something? What if I was to kiss or be intimate with someone else, would she really be able to forgive me and take me back? Honestly I don’t think she could. Not now anyway. I’m not saying I have done anything wrong but I just wonder. I do care about Mandy and I do love her and I always will. I just need time to myself and with my friends. I’ve grown closer to my friends now than I ever have before. It’s nice. I hate leaving Mandy with bad thoughts of me. I just want her to be able to be happy without me because then I will know that she can live her life and be more than just content with it. I understand that I made her happy and she did make me happy but we need to be happy on our own before we can love one another to our fullest extent. This all sounds lame and my horrible wording of what I’m trying to say doesn’t help any, but I know what I’m talking about and that’s what matters. This blog is for me and my memories. Times are rough right now but I know that they will get better. It might happen tomorrow or it might be a month or two from now. I need to find out who I am. And when I do I will be able to decide who I want to be with. I just hope that if I do anything along the way that hurts anyone I will be able to be forgiven but that’s not my choice. I don’t expect Mandy to wait around and I don’t want her to wait around. She needs to experience life and not focus on whether or not she will hurt me. I’ve done the damage. I was the one who did this. She needs to do whatever makes her happy.