Life sucks right now. Not all of it just most of it. My whole lady situation and by lady I mean Mandy. All I do is hurt a wonderful person. I do it continually and it makes me feel like crap. I care about her a great deal and yet I can’t stop doing what I’m doing. I miss her a lot at times. I guess I’m having problems forgiving myself for what happened months ago. I see how bad I hurt her and am afraid I will hurt her in some way again. I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship because at times I feel unstable. But if I was in a relationship, that’s why that other person would be there, to help me out. The bottom line is that I am dumb. I go back and forth all the time. I think to myself this is what I want; this is who I want to be with. Then at other times I think if I get into this relationship this is it. This is what I will have and it scares me. It shouldn’t but it does. I have no idea what I want or who I want to be with. I feel like if I am in a relationship I won’t be able to live my life the way I want to. That’s a horrible way to be and I know it is. It’s selfish and therefore I am selfish. I don’t want to be but I am. I have a lot of problems. I need to go see someone and more than likely I will do so. I can’t afford it right now because I don’t have a steady job. Mandy is the way she is because of me. I hate it all. I feel like a bad person and that I shouldn’t be here. Every relationship I have been in has failed. Yes I am throwing myself a pity party and if you don’t like it stop reading. I don’t even know who reads this anymore but this is for me. I can’t stand myself right now. I know I’m not a bad person but I feel as though I am one. I know I will get through this. I know Mandy will get through it. I just don’t know if it will be together to not. It’s dumb but I want to see what this world has to offer. It doesn’t seem like I am doing so now but I just want to see. It’s not what other people are out there it’s just life in general. I want my life to better and only I can make it that way and I will make it that way. I have to figure things out and soon. Mandy isn’t going to wait around and she shouldn’t. She is a great girl and very attractive at that and I’m sure guys are throwing themselves at her. It doesn’t make me feel good to know it but those are the facts and that’s the way I’ve made it. The longer I wait the further she gets from me. I’m just a confused person. I hear one thing from some people and then other things from different people. I don’t let it influence me but just hearing it is always weird. Sometimes it can be comforting but at other times I just don’t care to hear it. I need to end all of this. One way or the other I have to. I don’t know when it will happen but I have to do it. I’m losing Mandy and it’s because of me. Why am I so damn confused?