Life sucks right now. Not all of it just most of it. My whole lady situation and by lady I mean Mandy. All I do is hurt a wonderful person. I do it continually and it makes me feel like crap. I care about her a great deal and yet I can’t stop doing what I’m doing. I miss her a lot at times. I guess I’m having problems forgiving myself for what happened months ago. I see how bad I hurt her and am afraid I will hurt her in some way again. I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship because at times I feel unstable. But if I was in a relationship, that’s why that other person would be there, to help me out. The bottom line is that I am dumb. I go back and forth all the time. I think to myself this is what I want; this is who I want to be with. Then at other times I think if I get into this relationship this is it. This is what I will have and it scares me. It shouldn’t but it does. I have no idea what I want or who I want to be with. I feel like if I am in a relationship I won’t be able to live my life the way I want to. That’s a horrible way to be and I know it is. It’s selfish and therefore I am selfish. I don’t want to be but I am. I have a lot of problems. I need to go see someone and more than likely I will do so. I can’t afford it right now because I don’t have a steady job. Mandy is the way she is because of me. I hate it all. I feel like a bad person and that I shouldn’t be here. Every relationship I have been in has failed. Yes I am throwing myself a pity party and if you don’t like it stop reading. I don’t even know who reads this anymore but this is for me. I can’t stand myself right now. I know I’m not a bad person but I feel as though I am one. I know I will get through this. I know Mandy will get through it. I just don’t know if it will be together to not. It’s dumb but I want to see what this world has to offer. It doesn’t seem like I am doing so now but I just want to see. It’s not what other people are out there it’s just life in general. I want my life to better and only I can make it that way and I will make it that way. I have to figure things out and soon. Mandy isn’t going to wait around and she shouldn’t. She is a great girl and very attractive at that and I’m sure guys are throwing themselves at her. It doesn’t make me feel good to know it but those are the facts and that’s the way I’ve made it. The longer I wait the further she gets from me. I’m just a confused person. I hear one thing from some people and then other things from different people. I don’t let it influence me but just hearing it is always weird. Sometimes it can be comforting but at other times I just don’t care to hear it. I need to end all of this. One way or the other I have to. I don’t know when it will happen but I have to do it. I’m losing Mandy and it’s because of me. Why am I so damn confused?

What is going on? The same old thing over here. I think I got fired from my job. Yeah, that would be a first for me. My boss never calls me back. He told me to call him this past Sunday and I did and he didn’t pick up nor return my call. Then I called him on Monday and Wednesday and left him messages and have yet to hear back from him. It’s seriously unprofessional but then again that would be my boss. Ah well, there is plenty else out there for me. I’m working at Siemens 3 days next week. It’s just something to get some money. I’ll have to see what happens and/or make something happen but I know it will. I really do love my life. I need to stop taking things for granted. I’ve been doing a lot better with it but I need to do more. There are so many things in this world and so many opportunities that I have and I keep passing them by. I started drawing on my computer and its fun. It’s something else for me to do. Sometimes I do get bored and what not but it happens. I went downtown this past weekend for like an hour. After Will, Heather and I saw Spiderman 3 which was just alright by the way, we went downtown. We went to backbooth. It was fun. I was dancing with myself and having a good time. Tomorrow I’m going to Tampa with Will and Jonah and some other people the see mxpx. We’re going to get backstage and such. It should be a good time but we shall see. I think that’s all for now. I just felt like writing about my life and that’s what I did. Until next time have a great time. Hahe.

This past weekend I went to church with Mandy. It was nice; I hadn’t seen her in about 2 months. She’s doing a lot better now then she was a month or so ago. I’m very happy for her. I want her to be able to be truly happy and live a wonderful life. Church was great as usual and I learn more and more every week. I look forward to going to church so I can learn. It really is an amazing thing.

Work is going alright for me. It’s something I pretty much enjoy but I need to start looking for a second job or a new job entirely. I’m just not making as much money as I need to be right now. Oh well though. I know things will work out. I have faith.

I have yet to see Spider-Man 3. From the reviews I read it’s pretty decent. Will saw it tonight and said it was amazing as did Jonah. I’ll have to see it this weekend or something. Who knows?

Well kids that’s about all for now. I didn’t have work today because my boss was out of town but I do have work tomorrow. Until next time, take care and enjoy your life. God loves all of you and always will.