I don’t understand some people. Last night _____ got his car stolen. The police found it halfway submerged in a river. I don’t understand what would want to make a person do this. It’s flat out pathetic. You have to be one of the saddest people in the world to commit any crime. What’s the point? Honestly, what does it do for you? Does it make you feel more like a man? Give me a fukking break. Stop being a baby. Little kids steal because they don’t know any better, grow up. Get a job, get a life and make something of yourself other than a loser piece of shit. People are dumb and I can’t stand half of them. When I see shit like this happen or hear about it, it makes me dislike the human race more. I take that back. I don’t know if it’s hate or complete sorrow that I feel for someone who has to live their life in that manner. They need help or a good punch in the face.

I want to say I’m doing better but to do so would be a lie. I’m having a hard time accepting what I’ve done. It’s good to hear that Mandy is going out and having fun and at the same time it hurts. I want to be able to not care. I read that Mandy was going on a date and my heart sank. She probably needs it though, to get over me. If that’s what it takes then she should do it. It kills me to know it but I did this to myself. I was the one who made the decision to end our relationship. I didn’t think I would be as affected as much as I am. I still feel like Mandy is mine but she’s not. Ahhhh I’m so stupid. I need to get over what I did, I think. I need to not worry and care so much. I’ve done what I have done and there honestly is nothing I can do about it. Even though I miss her I can’t go back to her. It’s too soon. How can I know what I want in 3 weeks? I can’t. I know I’m getting upset for the fact that she’s going on a date and I shouldn’t, I just shouldn’t. I’m acting like a little kid. I let something go and I know it’s not mine anymore and because I don’t have it I want it back. Maybe it’s best that this is happening to me. I need to be hurt. I’ve made mistakes and I should pay for them. I didn’t do anything that I regret. I am all over the place in this entry and contradicting myself up and down but oh well. I have to accept what I’ve done. Because of the things I’ve done my life will never be the same again and I don’t know if it’s for the best or not. ARG! Why am I being so damn retarded? Just calm down and shut-up.

Sometimes I just don't like my life or who I am. Right now I'm really depressed and I have no clue what I am doing. I'm sad about the decisions I have made. My life will never be the same and I am the only person to blame for it. I just need the strength from God to carry on. I questions my actions all the time and now more so than ever. What am I doing? What did I do?

On January 7th I did something I thought I would never do. I ended my relationship with Mandy, well took a break. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and it might possibly be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. Mandy means and meant the world to me. I never thought I would loose feelings for her or be as unhappy as I was. I’m torn apart because of this. I feel like I might have made the biggest mistake of my life but at the same time it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Should I be more upset about this than I already am? Life is a crazy and weird thing. It’s awful that people have to hurt and feel so bad but I guess that’s just our purpose of living, to feel. I know it sounds all corny and lame but I believe that’s why we’re here. If only life was easier and we were told what to do and how to feel and who to be with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful it’s not that way. I miss Mandy and a part of me whishes I hadn’t done what I did. But another part of me is glad that I did it because it needed to be done. I am unsure of what I want and to be alone is the only way I will truly figure it out. It is going to take time and I have no clue how much time and I feel like a complete asshole for what I did. But I don’t want to go running back to Mandy because I feel sorry. That’s not the right reason to be with her. I do love her and I will always love her. She has impacted my life in more ways then people know and I am thankful to God that he brought her to me. My life would be in a worse place right now if it wasn’t for her. She helped me out a lot. She made me a better person. She made me who I am today but things just weren’t right. If me and Mandy are to be together later in life then I know it’s meant to be. But right now things need to be figured out, on my part and hers too. At least that’s the way I feel about it. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the beginning and do things differently but I can’t. The bottom line is I love my life. I love who I am and I love the people who are in my life and the ones who I have left and who have left me. I have no clue what the future holds for me but I look forward to it and I look forward to every day that I have left here. I am thankful for everyone and everything I have. I know at times it may not seem like it and I may take things for granted but deep down I am truly thankful. This life is amazing and I hope it never ends.