Today = the worst day ever. Pretty much it didn’t start out right. We (being my brother Will, Heather and myself) just moved into a new place. The move was alright but everything seemed a little weird to me from the start. So to begin the day I get a knock on the door. It was some guy wanting to show the house because he said it was still up for sale. Of course I didn’t let him in but it was weird to me. I called Will about it and he said it was nothing because the person we are renting from just took the house off the market so it was probably a mistake. Then later in the day around 1 or 2 I decided to play the drums. While I was playing a heard a loud banging sound so I stopped playing to check it out. The doorbell rang and it was one of our neighbors. It was this dumb bitch and she was like “I have a baby and my baby hasn’t slept since you guys have moved in, I’m calling the person you’re renting from.” seriously what a fucking bitch. This really pissed me off. I was as nice as I could be to her saying I didn’t know she had a baby and I would stop playing and such. Then even later in the day Will calls me and says “We pretty much have to move.” Come to find out three different neighbors called the person we are renting from to complain about the drums. How gay is that? They didn’t even bother to come over and ask us to stop or anything. So I was even more pissed off. The lady we’re renting from said that she got complaints about that, complaints about us having people over at the house, complaints about too many dogs and too many cars outside. I mean what the fuck? Do our neighbors have anything better to do? I swear when I leave this house each one of our neighbors is going to get a big personal FUCK YOU from me. So now me and Will are looking for new houses. The person who we are renting from knew Will played the drums but didn’t know that I was going to be staying here and didn’t know that Will had 3 dogs. Seriously though, I know it’s not right to lie and I didn’t in this situation but how old are our neighbors to call and “tell” on us. That is some bullshit my friends. To top this day off, I have been questioning everything I have done. AHHHHHHH!!!! Why am I so damn stupid? WHY????????

I read Mandy’s blog the other day and it made me think. I know she reads mine and this is pretty much the only communication I have with her. I know it’s indirect but it’s something. It made me upset to see how angry she is that I talk to other people. I don’t feel I should justify anyone’s comments because they are comments made by other people, not me. I haven’t called Mandy because I still don’t know what I’m doing. I would call her but it would be pointless. We would just talk and get nowhere and we would both hurt more. The question is what if I did do something? What if I was to kiss or be intimate with someone else, would she really be able to forgive me and take me back? Honestly I don’t think she could. Not now anyway. I’m not saying I have done anything wrong but I just wonder. I do care about Mandy and I do love her and I always will. I just need time to myself and with my friends. I’ve grown closer to my friends now than I ever have before. It’s nice. I hate leaving Mandy with bad thoughts of me. I just want her to be able to be happy without me because then I will know that she can live her life and be more than just content with it. I understand that I made her happy and she did make me happy but we need to be happy on our own before we can love one another to our fullest extent. This all sounds lame and my horrible wording of what I’m trying to say doesn’t help any, but I know what I’m talking about and that’s what matters. This blog is for me and my memories. Times are rough right now but I know that they will get better. It might happen tomorrow or it might be a month or two from now. I need to find out who I am. And when I do I will be able to decide who I want to be with. I just hope that if I do anything along the way that hurts anyone I will be able to be forgiven but that’s not my choice. I don’t expect Mandy to wait around and I don’t want her to wait around. She needs to experience life and not focus on whether or not she will hurt me. I’ve done the damage. I was the one who did this. She needs to do whatever makes her happy.